So, it has been a very long time since I last wrote a post, but there's a lot floating around in my head I'd like to share.

The Lord has been really teaching me a lot this semester. I wish I could articulate every lesson, but for the most part, all I know is that He's been working on the little details of me and my life. A lot of what He's done really can't be put in to words.

I still think of myself as a kid, mostly. But then I realize, my coworkers don't see me that way. They see me as a young woman. Because that's really what I am. I may still be a college student, but I am an adult. I pay my own bills, buy my own food and I'm paying my way through college on my own. I make the important decisions in my life. It's kind of weird to realize all this. I know my parents will help me out if I need it, but I can get by without them. Not that I will turn away free money, haha. Sometimes I worry about finances, but I know my Heavenly Father will provide for me. My current job is going to really really slow down come January. I may need to take a second job to make ends meet, but I know that the Lord will tell me if that's what I need to do, and I know he'll provide a job that I enjoy that fulfills me.

I feel like this semester I have really just come in to my own as a woman and as an adult. I don't know how to really put it in words. The Lord has been helping me to put money away and to have better spending habits. He's blessed me with money to pay on my student loans. I know what is in my immediate future, and I'm at peace with not knowing beyond that. And I am secure in who I am in Christ. My friend Lucy and I discovered several months back that we were almost 10 years apart in age. It was a bit of a surprise. She remarked that I seem older because I seem so confident in myself. And I believe this to be pretty true. Pastor Steven Furtik said in a sermon that "When you tell Christ who He is, He'll tell you who you are." I think this is a great sentence to know, because is is so true! I know who Christ is, and what He means to me, and through His word, He has shown me what I should be. He has spoken to my heart and revealed His feelings for me and helped me to see who He wants me to be. He has provided struggles and victories that have shaped me. He has given me friends and coworkers that are just amazing. And even if He took them away from me, I would still be okay! He has taught me how to rely completely on Him for my relational needs. I've come to find that if I let Him fill my "love tank" in the morning before my day starts, any nice word or gesture from anyone else just sends it to overflowing! It's a joy to live like that! (Now if only I could discipline myself to do that every morning!)

The Lord has really just been blessing me right and left this semester. That's not to say that I haven't shed more than enough tears this semester, I have! But being with Him through it all makes everything sweet. I know that in the end it will all work together for my benefit! I try to take every obstacle and heart ache in step. But as I said, He has blessed me with some amazing Sisters and Brothers of faith! I can name 3 women I can call whenever, and know they'll listen to me. The Lord has provided me such a spirit of unity with each of them. It's always amazing to speak with someone for the first or second time, and just know that the Lord has ordained that friendship. And to know something great will come of it! I wouldn't trade those 3 ladies for the world! And I have some great Brothers as well; they push me and challenge me in ways my Sisters can't. Mostly in the realm of my patience. But still, haha.

Now, as far as my not dating: That is going well :) Some days are harder than others. Like the days where I don't count on the Lord to take care of the needs and wants of my heart. But He is good to me and helps me through. Some days I really want to just daydream about a wedding (and somedays I'm bad and I do). Some days I just want to text or message a guy and set up a hang out session, all with the purpose of trying to make a relationship happen. But the Lord has helped me out a lot. He'll put a check on my heart when I have ulterior motives. He reminds me of my commitment and the glory it brings to Him. And He reminds me of the little sweet lessons I've learned already. And He whispers to me of great things to come as I stay devoted to Him. I am grateful for this time as a single woman. It frees me to follow His will recklessly. I have no one to check in with or run my plans by but the Lord. It's amazing. I even have a hard time picturing a man in my life. Of course, I would like to one day get married, but I don't see that day as being any time soon. I feel the Lord is leading me to stay in Boone after I graduate. Maybe for grad school. Maybe to find a full time job. Only He knows. But I just have a hard time seeing a man in my life! I know when the time is right, and God intends me to marry, He will send my husband along. But now I'm perfectly happy with only one man in my life, God.

Well, this has gone on far too long. Sorry it's so scattery. And congratulations if you actually read the whole thing. You get a gold star :D

My Precious and Beautiful daughter,
Everyone longs to give himself to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God says: Don’t be anxious, don’t worry, and don’t look around at the things that others have gotten or that I have given them. Don’t look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking at Me or you’ll miss what I want to show you. When you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you would dream of. You see, until you are ready, and the one I have for you is ready (for I am working at this moment to have you both ready at the same time), until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I’ve prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience love that exemplifies your relationship with me.
For this is perfect love.
Let Me first show you what perfect love is. So you will never settle for anything less with another man. I am perfect. There is none like Me, in all the earth. I am forever faithful- I will never leave you or forsake you, or lie to you (Deut. 31:8). Everything that I say to you is true and is life. I will protect you as long as you live. I will never use you, manipulate you, or take advantage of you. I will always protect you. I am raising up a son with my very characteristics. But first, I want the throne of your heart.
I want you to trust Me (ps. 37:5). I want you to seek Me (Amos 5:4) I want to fulfill you. There is no one else I have created or nothing else on earth that has the ability to complete you- only Me (Col 2:9-10). I have not created anyone or anything that will meet your every need or desire. Only Me. I want to know you. I want you to know Me. I want to laugh with you. I want to cry with you. I want you to include Me in your daily activities. I want you to share with Me the things that excited you. I want you to share with Me the things that grieve you. I gave you those feelings, you know.
I am always with you (Ps 139:7), waiting, thinking about you. I am long suffering and patient (1 Cor 13:4). I am so merciful (Deut 4:31). I love you with an everlasting love and with loving kindness I have drawn you (Jer 31:3). My Spirit longs and yearns jealously to be in a relationship with you (james 4:5). I am always thinking about you- my thoughts for you are more than the grains of sand (Ps 139:17-18).
I alone am worth of the throne of your heart. No one else can take my place and no one else will fulfill you or satisfy you. I want all of your heart. It’s all that I long for. I am captivated and enthralled by your beauty (Ps 45:11)! You are the apple of my eye (Ps 17:8). I will never disappoint you. Trust Me. I long for you to say that I am more than enough for you. I want to be your everything. I promise to never hurt you. I am not a man (Num 23:19). I am Perfect.
I want to heal you from all your pain. Forgive all those who have hurt you; let them go. For it is only then that you can be healed. Let Me show you how you are to be treated. Let me show you your worth. Your true worth and value is found only in Me. You are my queen. You are royalty. That is how I treat you, and you deserve nothing less. You may seek for approval of another man. You may seek to find yourself in another man- who is not perfect. Please, let me alone tell you who you are.
You are My daughter, My queen (Rev 1:6), the apple of My eye, you are My favor (prov. 18:23), you are royalty, you are My righteousness (2 Cor 5:21), your worth is far about rubies, you are wisdom, virtuous (prov 31:10), strength and honor are your clothing (prov 31:25), and I made you to open your mouth with wisdom, and on your tongue, having the law of kindness (prov 31:26), you are My daughter (1 John 3:2), you are redeemed (Col 1:13-14), bought by the blood of My Son (1 Cor 6:19-21), you are chosen (Eph 1:4), you are justified (Rom. 3:24), you are one with Me (2 Cor 5:18), you are free from all guilt and condemnation (Rom 8:1-2), you are My temple (1Cor 3:16), you are unique and beautiful.
I have given you a purpose in this life, there is a problem in this world that only YOU have the answer to. You are an answer and not a problem! I need you, and the world needs you. You are an answer! I Love you more than you will ever know. My very essence is love, and I can do nothing else but love you perfectly. Let Me satisfy you. Trust Me. I know it’s scary. But I have given you a spirit of power and of love and of a sound mind- not of fear (2 Tim 1:7) You are more powerfull than you think. I love you, trust me.

Love,
Your Father

Encouragement

I was reading in my devotional the other day and God sent me this little golden nugget of encouragement, so I thought I would share it here :)

If I were to hand you a fragile, newborn baby girl, I know that you would protect her with your life. Your arms would be strong, your feet sure, and your eyes ever watchful. Be careful, my trusted one! for I have placed something just as precious and delicate with in you. It is your heart...your very life! Treasure it. Protect it. Watch over it with all your strength. For the world and all its pleasures are like kidnappers who will stop at nothing to steal your heart away from ME and destroy it. I want what is best for you, my treasured one, and although you sometimes feel that the sinful pleasure of this world don't seem harmful, they will separate you from Me. Just as a newborn is helpless without loving care, you also will suffer if your heart is taken from Me. So I'm asking you to guard your heart and cling to Me, the source of you life.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23

To be Known is to be Loved

One of the campers this summer did this monologue about the woman at the well, and I loved it. So I'm sharing it here :) I'll put the words below.

Woman of No Distinction from Chris Kinsley on Vimeo.

I am a woman of no distinction
of little importance.
I am a women of no reputation
save that which is bad.

You whisper as I pass by and cast judgmental glances,
Though you don’t really take the time to look at me,
Or even get to know me.

For to be known is to be loved,
And to be loved is to be known.
Otherwise what’s the point in doing
either one of them in the first place?

I WANT TO BE KNOWN.

I want someone to look at my face
And not just see two eyes, a nose,
a mouth and two ears;
But to see all that I am, and could be
all my hopes, loves and fears.

But that’s too much to hope for,
to wish for,
or pray for
So I don’t, not anymore.

Now I keep to myself
And by that I mean the pain
that keeps me in my own private jail
The pain that’s brought me here
at midday to this well.

To ask for a drink is no big request
but to ask it of me?
A woman unclean, ashamed,
Used and abused
An outcast, a failure
a disappointment, a sinner.

No drink passing from these hands
to your lips could ever be refreshing
Only condemning, as I’m sure you condemn me now
But you don't.

You’re a man of no distinction;
Though of the utmost importance.
A man with little reputation, at least so far.

You whisper and tell me to my face
what all those glances have been about, and
You take the time to really look at me.
But don’t need to get to know me.

For to be known is to be loved and
To be loved is to be known.

And you know me.
You actually know me;
all of me and everything about me.
Every thought inside and hair on top of my head;
Every hurt stored up, every hope, every dread.

My past and my future, all I am and could be.
You tell me everything,
you tell me about me!

And that which is spoken by another
would bring hate and condemnation.
Coming from you brings love, grace,
mercy, hope and salvation.

I’ve heard of one to come
who could save a wretch like me
And here in my presence, you say
I AM He.

To be known is to be loved;
And to be loved is to be known.

And I just met you.
But I love you.
I don’t know you,
but I want to get to.

Let me run back to town
this is way to much for just me.
There are others: brothers,
sisters, lovers, haters.

The good and the bad, sinners and saints
who should hear what you’ve told me;
who should see what you’ve shown me;
who should taste what you gave me;
who should feel how you forgave me.

For to be known is to be loved;
And to be loved is to be known.
And they all need this, too.
We all do
Need it for our own.

The Year Ahead

I've been kicking an idea around in my head for the last few weeks. It may seem a little crazy to some, and to other no big deal. After a lot of thought and prayer, I feel like this idea is something I want to carry out. So what's my idea?

A year without dating.

Now, some of you will say, "Well, Bri, you didn't actually date anyone last year either." I'm aware of this. What I DID do was hope for the chance to date people. So when I say "a year without dating" I mean a year where I not only don't date anyone, but I also restrain myself from crushing on and daydreaming about my brothers in (and out of) Christ.

Something I've always struggled with is letting myself get caught up in daydreams and wishes of possible relationships. I'll let innocent interactions with guy friends turn in to something else entirely in my head, and then end up in awkward situations. Or let my imagination run away, and get myself hurt because I interpreted one thing as something completely different. This has been something I've usually really struggled with at camp because of all the amazing men of Christ that work there with me. This past summer, thanks to a lot of prayer to and help from God, I was able to break the cycle. I can honestly say, I made it through the summer without a full-blown crush on any of the staff members. I learned that in order to do that, I had to do two things; not talk about boys and pray that God would hold captive my thoughts and my heart. And I fully intend on continuing to do those two things for the next year ahead, along with a few other strategies I have to keep myself focused.

I hope no one thinks I'm doing this just to say I have done it or anything silly like that. I am embarking on this quest so that I can better focus on God and His will in my life right now. I too often get caught up in what may lie ahead and forget about what I have to do today. I know that the Lord has great plans for me now and in the future. And I know that, as of right now, He wants me single so that I can follow His plans. So that's what this is all about.

Ultimately, I am undertaking this challenge to better serve my Lord and God. To better love Him and to better further His kingdom. So I hope you'll go along with me and encourage me and keep me accountable, because I know it will be tough and I know I can't do it alone.

Of Marriage and Plans

So, I always talk about how I have no plan past graduating college. Like I’m leaving my whole life open to God for him to guide me. But I realized something today. That’s not what I’m truly saying. I put a “but” in there. I’m actually limiting God. I typically say “I don’t really know what I’m going to do in the future other than graduate college, but I do know I get married and have kids. All I want to be is a mom.”

What I think I’m saying is “My future is entirely up to God.” But what I’m truly saying is “My future is entirely up to God, as long as it involves me getting married and starting a family.” I can’t think of how to label that statement and idea. It’s like I feel like my life will be best served as a married mother. I just assume that’s part of God’s plan for me. But what if I’m called to be single? What if that’s how I’ll best serve God? And how else do I limit him without knowing it?

Matthew 6:34

Matthew 6:34

   "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

This should be my life quote. So much of my time is spend day dreaming, planning, and worrying. And one vital thing is always missing from these day dreams and plans, God. I'm thinking of MY plan, not his. If I would just write this verse on my heart, and keep it in mind, I would save myself a lot of hurt. I would probably sleep better and be much less stressed. I wouldn't be disappointed when my big plans fall through, because I would be focusing on God's big plans. As stated in "The Shack", God lives in the present, not in the future, and so should we (a very rough paraphrase). I mean, yes He is in the future, but like I said, our plans and day dreams don't take into account what He has planned for us.

Why is it so hard to just have faith in His provision and His planning? Why do we have to be so Type A and have each and everything planned out?